America, Apple Pie and Mom in Hot Jeans

I’m deviating from my usual sentimental stories about motherhood and family to address a very serious issue facing American women today. Bad jeans. That’s not a typo. I don’t mean Great Uncle Joe’s bad genes that caused little Tommy’s ADHD, I mean jeans, as in blue jeans. I see then being worn incorrectly everywhere I go.

Come on. They are only the most American piece of clothing you can own. They were invented here by the famous Levi Strauss, and have evolved into a pseudo national costume. Jeans are a fashion trend that have survived and evolved for more than 100 years, transcended age, sex, and economic status and traveled to the far reaches of the world, yet thousands of women in this country just can’t get it right.

They are so comfortable and versatile at the same time it’s almost to good to be true. If you have a great pair of jeans they can take you from cleaning the house, to room parent duty to dinner out with your husband. All you have to do is change your shoes. What is sexier than a woman in a great fitting pair of jeans and high heels?

So why do I still see you wearing those high waisted, tapered leg numbers, other wise known as mom jeans? And it’s not just older generations making this mistake. I see even young women wearing these awful things. They make your rear view wide and flat and make your hips look pear shaped. If you don’t have a flat stomach they serve only to accentuate it. There are so many options out there these days that will flatter all types of figures, flaws and all; Straight leg, boot cut, wide leg, trouser jeans.

While you are in search of the perfect pair of denim, don’t let fond memories of the ’80’s trick you into buying those “skinny” jeans all the fashion magazines say are in, especially if you aren’t skinny. They flatter hardly anyone, and if you are so thin that they actually look good on you, go eat a sandwich.

Unless you have abs like Britney Spears back before she did it again — and again — with K-Fed, stick to the mid-rise jean. If you must wear low rise, make sure they’re not too tight. Otherwise you will end up with muffin top –this even happens to the slim among us– where all your womenly softness around the middle gets pushed up and hangs over the waist band leaving you looking like you’re wearing an inner tub. Also if wearing low rise, get a belt to hold them up, unless you want to risk looking like your friendly neighborhood plumber. Invest in some low rise panties also so you don’t flash your Hanes Her Ways every time you bend over to pick up your kid. Leave the showing of underwear to boys of the hip-hop generation. As for low, low rise jeans, these should never be an option. A good rule of thumb is if you have to wax to wear it and it’s not a bathing suit, skip it.

This season the fashion gods, whoever they may be, tried to convince us that super high waisted jeans are back in fashion. Again these don’t look good on 99 percent of us. You’ll be all hips and thighs in those things.

So what should we be wearing? First go for dark denim and don’t choose styles that have streaking or patterns that draw attention to problem areas like thighs. Look for small back pockets. They give the illusion of a smaller behind. Avoid pockets with flaps unless you want to add volume back there. (Again, if this is you, go eat another sandwich.) Mid-rise that fall just below the belly button disguises a not so flat tummy. Straight and wide legs help mask heavy thighs, boot cut balance out wide hips.  Trouser jeans are universally flattering and are great for a more dressed up look. Length is important. They should hit the middle of the top of your shoe. If you’re going to wear them with heels make sure they’re long enough. (A note about high heels, they give the illusion that your behind is lifted up and cause you to arch your back also lifting up certain frontal assets as well.)

You don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on designer blues to get a good fit, and you don’t have to be painfully thin to look good in jeans. You can find a great pair of reasonably priced jeans at the big anchor stores in the mall or even at Target and Walmart these days, no matter your wallet or waist size.

I’m not an expert or a fashionista. I’m just a mom who still wants to look feminine and pretty even when I’m schlepping around the grocery store. I am all for taking the extra time to find a pair of jeans that make me look taller, thinner, curvy in the right places and not in the wrong.

This is America. Go shopping and exercise your right to look good.

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2 Responses to “America, Apple Pie and Mom in Hot Jeans”

  1. Paige Says:

    I, too, live in my jeans. I wish I had a skinnier body to put in them, but this one will have to do.

    I’m so excited to win your drawing! Thank you so very much

  2. Chrystal Jones Says:

    My favorite holiday treat to make are sugar cookies with icing and sprinkles, in shapes of Christmas trees, Santa, and wreathes.

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